Recuerdos
Vamos mi carino que todo esta bien
esta noche cambiare, te juro que cambiare
vamos mi carino ya no llores mas
por vos yo bajaria el sol
o me hundiria en el mar

Ayer revise los papeles de divorcio. Anteriormente, cada vez que los agarraba y empezaba a leer me daba una sensacion de que el mundo se me cerraba, que me faltaba aire que no podia con tanto papelerio.
Esta semana, lo extrañe mas que nunca. Pero los papeles.... ya no me marearon.

pensamientos disipados, desordenados, marcados
sale de mi boca cualquier cosa, que importa ya
quisiera poder tocarte una vez mas
mirarte a los ojos y reconocerte
ver quien eras, verte y verme en ellos

(Me)

Heart Troubles
Someone once said that it takes a health scare to re-prioritize...
Well, shit...if this aint it then I don’t know what to say. I have Mitral Valve Prolapse. That is
when one of your heart valves is leaking blood. I ended up in the ER Monday night and spent a good five hours there. Went home all doped up after a few vicodins, some nasty tasting gel they had me swallow and after the horror (to me) of having blood drawn for testing. I went home, has weird dreams while being awake. I slept, roughly 3 hours, woke up the next morning and went to work. The chest pain was still present and I was really tired.
I got home and there was a message from the hospital saying I should call them to go over my blood test results. I have pneumonia. So here I am, sick like I have not been in a while, feeling a little sorry for myself and missing my family like crazy.
I hate this cold weather and I hate genes. Sorry for this lame-ass entry but I am a lame-ass today.

My chest has been hurting a lot lately and now the pain is in my back and my arm as well. I don't know why or how to make it go away, but it has me a little worried. I might take myself to the emergency room tonight.

I spoke to my good friend Delma Lorena -who is living in Spain- Saturday night. She was so sad when she called :( I hope thing start going well for her.

Bleh... I have nothing to say today.

I finished reading Bodacious Succulent Women last night and I highly recommend it to all women that feel repressed but want to live wildly and freely. Camp Sark, if you are hiring, let me know!!!:)
This made me think of my grandmother. She gets to Miami this Saturday to spend some time with my sister and her family. She might be coming up to Seattle to see me, that’s if she’s feeling well since the flight is so long. I would love to have her here and see her, show her around and spend some time with her.
She is a difficult woman, strong headed, passive-aggressive, a little manipulative but I love her. She has suffered a lot in life, gone through 28 major operations, lived to see a son kill himself, visited two sons in jail, one of the latter hates the family so much, he has written crazy manifestos describing family details, published them in the towns newspaper, pointed a loaded gun at my 10 year old cousin and done many other unspeakable things. He is my godfather.
Back to my Mama Sonia... She lived though it all and then some and she still manages to get up in the morning, put a dress on, do her hair, put her make-up on, go shopping, spend time with her foofoo friends, eat a five course meal every day, and raise a teenager (my cousin Briana). She is an example of succulence and womanhood and I hope she lives to be 100.

I have been reading Sark lately and her books bring me joy. They make me believe that there is
hope, that I can be creative, that procrastination is not a permanent thing, that you should believe
in yourself, play with your inner child and think positive.
Her books are not the regular you-can-do-it-feel-good books. They are truly original and just
looking at them makes you feel colorful. I will follow her advise and try to write at least for five minutes every day about anything. I hope I don't bore you. Oh by the way... I 'll be changing the look on my blog again. It's impossible to read with the big ole flower in the middle. It's really annoying so bear with me for a bit until it's gone.
So changing subjects... I have been giving my m.... a lot of thought lately. I have been doing a lot of research and I'm trying to be organized about it and do it the right way this time around. I still haven't made up my mind completely but being informed is the best way to make a decision. I will have to make up my mind soon but for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I want to go home!!

Thanksgiving came and went. We cooked and ate and then watched some T.V..
It was an OK time I guess, not very eventful but all in all, it was fine. I woke up this morning determined to get this computer up and running so now after running around all morning, here I am, at home, chilling out by myself in front of the computer. It s a rainy day, perfect to just stay home, maybe listen to some music, experiment a little with my blog and what I can do now since I'm not doing it at work, and later on tonight, watch a movie or something.
God, what a boring life!!
I may be going to Bolivia for Easter with my sister Veronica and her family. I'm hoping that it happens.

Calling All Angels (Train)

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
‘Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
‘Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don’t talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it’s ours

I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

I went to sleep very early last night, about 9pm. I called my sister Mariana because I had heard she is sick (tonsil problems and low blood sugar) and she told me she's going to need shots for the next 8 months. I hope she gets better and that it doesn't develop into anything worrisome.
After hanging up with her I had a two hour conversation with Chris. It was really nice and I always feel like I can talk to him about anything. He told me about the new house him and Karina bought in VA and how nice it is and all the details of how the went about purchasing it, and all the improvements they are working on to have it as they want it. I'm really happy for him! It's crazy how this world is... who would've thought that we would end up being good friends:)

Ron told me yesterday that F. might suffer from personality disorder. That people like him just havenÂ’t developed psychologically and that they never do. He read me traits of people that suffer from this and they were right on. I asked him if this can be fixed and he said no, that they are incapable of loving the way that other people can, that they feel no empathy, that they arenarcissisticc and self-centered, that they praise themselves all the time even for things they haven't accomplished. They need recognition and are convenient.

This made me very sad.

I’ve been alone a lot. I remember someone wrote me a letter a while ago talking about the difference between being alone and lonely. I’ve been both.

Aprendiendo (Jorge Luis Borges)

Despues de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre sostener una mano y encadenar un alma, y uno aprende que el amor no significa acostarse y una compañia no significa seguridad, y uno empieza a aprender...
Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas, y uno empieza a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos, y uno aprende a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno de mañana es demasiado inseguro para planes...
y los futuros tienen una forma de caerse en la mitad.
Y despues de un tiempo uno aprende que si es demasiado, hasta el calor del sol quema.
Asi que uno planta su propio jardin y decora su propia alma, en lugar de esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.
Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno realmente es fuerte, que uno realmente vale, y uno aprende.
Y aprende...y con cada día...aprende.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser humano, tarde o temprano sufrira las mismas humillaciones o desprecios multiplicados al cuadrado.

Con el tiempo comprendes que solo quien es capaz de amarte con tus defectos, sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad que deseas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estas al lado de esa persona solo por acompañar tu soledad, irremediablemente acabaras no deseando volver a verla.
Con el tiempo entiendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados, y que el que no lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se vera rodeado solo de amistades falsas.
Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en un momento de ira pueden seguir lastimando a quien heriste, durante toda la vida.
Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar lo hace cualquiera, pero perdonar es solo de almas grandes.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona es irrepetible.

Con el tiempo aprendes a construir todos tus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno del mañana es demasiado incierto para hacer planes.
Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas o forzarlas a que pasen ocasionara que al final no sean como esperabas.

Con el tiempo aprendes que todavia queda muhco por aprender

Liza
I came across some poetry by my lovely friend Liza. She's always been sooooo awesome. I hope she doesn't mind me posting this...


by LIZA NEPA

For me,
Farewell means ...you'll live long
Farewell to my unborn son.
Farewell to the words unsung.
Farewell to my hungry son.
Farewell to the years to come.
Farewell to my youth,
So sweet to have tasted its fruit

It hasn't stopped raining for days now. I've been thinking about him.

Annie's dad is dying. I'm so sad for her and her mom. I really don't know what to say...

He called me again yesterday. He told me he was sorry about everything he had done, that it had been a mistake, that he loves me and that he'll do anything to be with me.

We had a really long conversation and I told him that that will never happen. He asked me for one last opportunity and I said no. Not becuase I don't love him, but becuase he betrayed me.

He told me that he's very unhappy and that him and I are a part of each other. That is true, he's a big part of me, of my history, the one and only person I have truly loved, but... how do you forgive and forget? I've always wondered how people do it. How is it that my mom and my sister forgave? I'm not judging here, I just wish I knew how they did it and how do you trust again.
I had a very hard time telling him those things, becuase I know that he now realizes that it was a mistake, that what starts wrong ends wrong. I told him he had cheated and lied to me and that I had given him a million opportunities to step up and be a man about it, to be there for me when I most needed him, to love me the way I loved him and when the time came, he made a choice and that choice wasn't me, it was her. He moved her into my house, into my bed, with my pets, sat in my table with her, I can't forgive that. Maybe in a few years, when I'm not this hurt I might forgive him and we'll be friends, but as much as it hurts to say, and like I told him yesterday.. he realized this a bit too late.

On other news...
I went to see Ron yesterday. He has a beautiful office in downtown Seattle with a confortable couch and he seems really nice. I talked and talked and talked... he listened:)

Today, November 3rd 2003 his conscience knocked on the door and he decided to call and say he was sorry. My heart almost came out of my chest. I talked to him normally, no screaming or yelling or none of that. I did tell him that what he had done, he can't take back and that is where he loses.
I miss him, I still love him but I can never forgive him and I can never see myself living with him again.

"Un Mal Sueno"
(M.A.)

Que me esta pasando
que me pesa el aire
que estoy respirando
y se me acaba el dia
sin yo comenzarlo
y me sobran horas
y me falta tanto
para irme llenando
el vacio adentro
que tu me has dejado
lento va quemando

Todo ha sido en vano
todo ha sido falso
esto es un mal sueno
eso es un engano
que tu llamas amor

pero el amor es blanco
y tu me lo has manchado
es un nino ingenuo
que tu has maltratado
es confiado y libre
ya ahora vive en prision
el amor es todo
y tu lo has vuelto nada
es calor de un beso
no una fria cama
es una pareja
convertida en uno
y tu y yo somos dos

ya logre borrarme
la ultima caricia
ya no siento pena
ya no tengo risa
ando por las calle
como programado
tengo fria el alma
estoy desorientado
ese sentimiento
que nos consumia
lo has contaminado

Its Friday finally! I had a really long week but all in all a good one. I went shopping on Wednesday and Thursday and ended up buying stuff for my sister which I have to mail to her, a few things for my room and lotions and creams for myself:)
I finally finished painting my room last night, after 5 coats, it finally looks the way I want it, so now, after work, I'll go home and put all my stuff where it belongs. It's red and beautiful!! Really excited about not sleeping in the living room anymore.
I also had to run a whole bunch of errands yesterday, paperwork mostly, getting ready to file for divorce and getting a new passport because I seem to have "misplaced" my old one. I'm really happy to inform that all went well and soon, very soon, I'll file for divorce.
I wonder what I'll get Annie for her birthday.... hmmm

Grace Is Gone
(DMB)

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight,
It's 2 AM, I'm drunk again,
It's heavy on my mind, It's heavy on my mind.

I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.

Take my heart, take my eyes,
Cause I'll need them no more.
If never again they'll fall upon,
The one I so adore.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on.

One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Would you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on.
One more drink and I'll move on.

You think of things impossible,
Then the sun refuse to shine.
I woke with you beside me,
Your cold hand lay in mine.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll go...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart, my grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on,
One more drink and I'll move on.
One more drink my grace is gone.

To: YOU

I'll never forgive you.

From: ME

I miss my family terribly. I remember having a conversation with a friend long a ago, someone I cared about very much, and coming to the conclusion that the answer to happiness lies in omnipresence. If only I could be here and there at the same time! I long to give them a hug and to just be there with them. I cannot wait till my mom and I have a conversation in the kitchen and I go with her on Saturdays to "la feria", cannot wait till we all lay in bed being lazy and watching TV all morning.
I love my brothers and sisters, mom and dad more than anything in this world and I rather something happen to me before something ever happens to them.

I have an appointment next Wednesday to go pay the fee so taxes can be sumbitted from last year. We had left that pending (like every other thing that wasn't taken care of when it should've). I'm praying that all the papers were signed in order to just copy and mail them.
I cannot wait till this is all over and I don't have to deal with bullshit on top of everything.

Dedicated to my friend Pablito who was there for me many endless nights in the past, sitting in my car, bottles of rum, crying for the ones we loved, looking at the moon, just being un buen amigo. Te recuerdo con cariño....

SIN TU LATIDO
(Letra y música:L.E. Aute)

Hay algunos que dicen
que todos los caminos conducen a Roma;
y es verdad, porque el mío
me lleva cada noche al hueco que te
nombra
y le hablo y le suelto
una sonrisa, una blasfemia y dos derrotas;
luego apago tus ojos
y duermo con tu nombre besando mi boca.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Que el final de esta historia,
enesima autobiografía de un fracaso,
no te sirva de ejemplo,
hay quien afirma que el amor es un milagro
que no hay mal que no cure
pero tampoco bien que le dure cien anios;
eso casi lo salva,
lo malo son las noches que mojan mi mano.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Aunque todo ya es nada,
no se por qué te escondes y huyes de mi
encuentro.
Por saber de tu vida
no creo que vulnere ningun mandamiento;
tan terrible es el odio
que ni te atreves a mostrarme tu desprecio,
pero no me hagas caso,
lo que me pasa es que este mundo no lo
entiendo.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Memories of my past in Bolivia, Guitarreadas con mis amigos...

Ojala

Ojala que las hojas no te toque el cuerpo cuando caigan
para que no las puedas convertir en cristal.
Ojala que la lluvia deje de ser milagro que baja por tu cuerpo.
Ojala que la luna pueda salir sin ti.
Ojala que la tierra no te bese los pasos.

Ojala se te acabé la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojala pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojala por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojala que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojala que la aurora no dé gritos que caigan en mi espalda.
Ojala que tu nombre se le olvide a esa voz.
Ojala las paredes no retengan tu ruido de camino cansado.
Ojala que el deseo se vaya tras de ti,
a tu viejo gobierno de difuntos y flores.

(Luis Eduardo Aute)

When someone hurts me, I don't think about revenge. I don't regret anything I have done or am doing because I know I've been good. I have suffered deception, have been deceived and I am very disappointed, that is clear.
Then I ask myself: What have I done wrong? I must've done something wrong, that is for sure...Or not...

Let's see: Have I acted according to my moral scale? Have I asked myself at any moment during my relationship with him if this or that might hurt him? Have I stopped to think if the decisions I've made have been given thought out or not? And the answer to all this is YES. Not in an obsessive or organized way, but confronted with important issues I do weigh out the pros and cons, at least for a day or two.
Not only do I think about me and what concerns me but also about the impact on the other person involved.
Then I come to realize that to him I have been nothing but entertainment, an object easily exchangeable. Something that sooner or later is just a stepping stone to the next episode. He didn't stop and think... he acted out of impulse, convenience... Convincing himself that destiny is nothing but what comes and hits him in the face. I don't believe for a second that he stopped and thought about how much he was hurting me. He would apologize like reciting a well learned speech...because that is what feels right, because that is what he thought would get him out of the dog house... because that is what he thought as politically correct.
But not for once, because he meant it. You can make a mistake and regret it, but if you keep on making it over and over then it is no longer a mistake...it is almost a pre-meditated slow and painful killing of the heart.

My first reaction over things now is shock, regardless of how many times I hear things I'm never prepared for the next blow. Immediately after that a numbing nauseating feeling in the bottom of my stomach starts to arise. They say the postman rings twice...and then not happy with have broken the chain (was it a really a chain?) trying to pretend that it isn't really the way he acted but just the circumstances (very archaic like the beast he is). He would, in a very pathetic attempt, clear his conscience, offered his half assed contradictory apologies that did nothing but worsen the situation. He broke my schemes, broke my peace, that one I had even if it was for just one night of restful, nightmareless sleep.
I wake up every morning and little by little realize that it's not too bad to lose a person that has no word.
I can take a low blow or two, some come in as easy as if hitting clay but you know what,some bounce against the unstable little mud barrier that I have been working hard at creating and is drying and getting harder every day.

And then he comes again tipping over my schemes and I feel like responding but I know for a fact that no matter what I say, he will perceive the hurt I carry.

I haven't forgotten him, but they say time heals everything. Now, I tighten my jaw and I contain myself so that I don't respond to the provocations of knowing him by her side.

So last night Karl showed up at our doorstep.... I didn't know if I should wake Annie up or just go out and tell him to go away. I decided to wake her up and she let him in. They were up talking most of the night so I didn't get a chance to talk to her until this morning. I go to find out this morning that he was coming from F.'s. great....
Annie didn't want to tell me if she was living with him already but apparently she is. God knows how those two are living, with the two kids in a one bedroom apartment. Anyways, that, thank God, is not my problem. Karl was pretty wasted last night so go figure...drinking on a Monday..lovely. better her than me dealing with his crap. They are perfect for each other, alcoholics and losers.
I cannot dwell on this shit anymore, he's not worth it. His mom told me yesterday that he had called asking her to give the bitch advise on how to discipline the kids and that she said no way. I had warned him about stepping into murky waters, but instead, he dove in head first. To hell with him. He has been the BIGGEST DISSAPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE.
On other news... I've told Annie that we should pack up and go to New York a few weekends from now like she had suggested earlier last month. I cannot wait. I'll keep you posted on my life.

One of my favorite songs of all times!

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Hi! I'm back from a four day trip to Los Angeles. I had an awesome time!! I went to visit Alejandra and Simon , they live in Santa Monica, a few blocks away from the beach, a block or two away from the shops and close to everything nice. The trip was a great escape from all the bullshit that had been happening and it was also the first real vacation I've taken in a very long time. I had very good conversations with both of them, met Alejandra's best friend, went to China Town for Dim Sum, went to eat Sushi, shopped a little and cruised around in her bad ass Land Rover Discovery.
I didin't even think about F. and for the first time in ages, I didn't have nightmares. I think I'm on my way to forgetting him and moving on. I cannot wait till he's just a faded memory... him all the dirty people that caused me pain.
I got back to work this morning and as I had suspected, he had left me a voicemail at 1am last night. Saying hi and to please call him to the restaurant where he is working now. I don't know what he thinks this is, or how it makes sense in his head to just "check up on me". Doesn't he understand that what he has done in irreversible? Last I heard, he was moving in with her... What does he expect from me? Maybe he's just calling cuz it's the end of the month, and like he told me, he had always been with me out of convenience, so maybe he's just short on money and needs me to bail him out of trouble one more time. Fuck that! I'm done, never again will I let him take advantage of me.

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

(Alanis Morissette)

It was my dad's big 5-0 yesterday! I wish I could've been there to give him a big ole hug and kiss. I spoke to him, to my mama and to my sister Mariana. I miss them all so much. Mariana was telling me all about her trip to el Festival de la Cultura in Sucre. I went to it in 1999 with Anabel, Tico, Lopo, Franco and the twins. We stayed for a whole week (the festival is two weeks) and had a lot of fun. We went to plays, concerts, movies, museums... we sat all afternoon in the plaza drinking wine, reading, talking.. We would sleep in late, party at night. I met a whole bunch of cool ass people, hippies form all over the world, artists, poeple with the common interest in culture and arts. We went to poetry readings, saw Mercedes Sosa sing DE MI, a Charly Garcia song:

Cuando estes mal, cuando estes solo
cuando ya estes cansado de llorar
no te olvides de mi
porque se que te puedo estimular.
Cuando me mires a los ojos
y mi mirada este en otro lugar
no te acerques a mi
porque se que te puedo lastimar.
No piense que estoy solo
es solo una manera de actuar
no piense que estoy solo
estoy comunicado con todo lo demas.
Por eso
Cuando estés mal, cuando estés sola
cuando ya estés cansada de llorar
no te olvides de, mi
porque se que te puedo estimular."

She also sang the song from Pablo Milanes:

"El tiempo pasa y nos vamos poniendo viejos y el amor no lo reflejo como ayer.
Y en cada conversación, cada beso, cada abrazo, se impone siempre un pedazo de razón.
Pasan los años y cómo cambia lo que yo siento,
lo que ayer era amor se va volviendo otro sentimiento.
Porque años atrás, tomar tu mano, robarte un beso,
sin forzar un momento, formaban parte de una verdad.
El tiempo pasa y nos vamos poniendo viejos y el amor no lo reflejo como ayer.
Y en cada conversación, cada beso, cada abrazo, se impone siempre un pedazo de razón.
Vamos viviendo viendo las horas que van muriendo,
las mismas discusiones se van perdiendo entre las razones.
A todo dices que sí, a nada digo que no,
para poder construir la tremenda armonía que pone viejos los corazones.
Porque el tiempo pasa, nos vamos poniendo viejos y el amor no lo reflejo como ayer."

Good memories of times when I had no worries and my mind was being stimulated.

I am:


Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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another one of these...


Cute Flirt


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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hmm...


You Know You're Right


What Nirvana song are you?
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I had such a terrible day yesterday, I can't believe I made it through. Talk about a low blow. He told me she's moving in with him and he decided to share this with me while I was at work, in the middle of the day. Great guy... I told him that people get what they have coming to them. They're both cheaters, liars and alcoholics so I guess they deserve each other. While I plan my life ahead, on my own, enjoying my money and time, he'll be stuck with some white trash bitch, two kids that aren't his and the fact that they started a relationship by destroying others peoples lives.

So they will get what they have coming to them for sure.

I cannot even imagine them ever being in a social environment where they have to answer the question on how they met. "Oh yeah, we met while we were both married and we decided to cheat on our spouses". hahahahaha!! Beautiful! Lovely people.
They say what starts wrong end wrong so like my friend says: "leave it to the universe".

I will.

I'm filing for divorce as soon as I have the money and I really cannot wait till this is all over.

Ahhhh!!! Money!!

Reality TV is invading us! Every channel on the dial is playing a reality TV show, it's too much! I have to admit that I'm guilty of watching a whole bunch of them. How could you not? Us human beings are nosey by nature and it is perfect... you get to watch others' peoples lives, butt into their business and then on top of it laugh about what fools they are. Man! and a million dollars here, two over there, America choosing your husband, family members against each other, you name it...they have it. It's not productive but sure as hell damn entertaining. I don't think it's good for me to be watching all that shit on TV. From now on, I'll try to stick to movies and Oprah or something that doesn't make me want to die.

Anyways, Ispoke to my friend Andres last night, he sounded happy to hear from me and it was very nice to talk to him. I cannot wait til I see all of my friends, hopefully in December.

I wonder whatever happened to my friend Francine. She and I have some stories to tell hahaha!

La ansiedad de vivir tan solo por ti se ha ido contigo.

I can't believe how bored I was this weekend. I really need to fix my car urgently. I watched a few movies, talked on the phone a lot and relaxed.

I'm goin to L.A. on the 26th!!! I'm so excited:) I'll let you know all about it when I get back. I think that some fresh air will do me good (not that L.A has fresh air, but you know what I mean:))

I've been talking to my sister a lot and it is so nice. I miss her a lot and I wish I wasn't so far away, I'm sure we would hang out a lot if I was closer. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not gonna stay in Seattle for more than a year. I think that when my lease is over I will pick up and go. There really is no point in me staying here any longer than that.
F. and I are no longer together and we sure as hell won't be ever again. Annie has her own life and that is fine, she is hardly ever around and I understand, she and Karl are still together and of course I can't expect her to hang out with me all the time. It would be nice though if we did, because this is the moment when I least want to be alone and I would like to go out and do things, It's so much more fun to do things with someone else. But we are all adults and she has her life and I can't expect her to be there 24/7. But... I need to be around people and here I'm not finding that at all. I'll just stick it out for a year and then figure out what I do. I've been thinking of going back home a lot. I just wish the economy was better cause if that was the case, I wouldn't think about it twice. I have my family there, life is so much nicer, people know me since I was little, I have friends.
I don't want to feel so lonely. I know that it's the beginning and that things will get better but I just don't identify with the people here, at all. I don't want to spend my life in front of a TV and here, if you don't have money to go out and spend, then that is what you end up doing. I used to be a very social person, have a lot a friends, I hated TV and now... the opposite.

I miss my friend Andre, I wish she was here. I have to write about here here. she deserves a whole page!

I went to an interview with the Art Institute in Seattle and I'll be starting classes in October. I'll be doing Multimedia and Web Design and I'm soooo excited! I cannot wait.

Its Friday and I've been feeling a little bit down today. Two things made me feel better though... First, I noticed that someone had signed my guestbook! Yay!!! Finally hehe... thanks koolchick! and yes, I have moved, thank god.
The next thing was my boss just gave me two little presents just becuase, which was so nice:)

I spoke to my parents two nights ago and I was sooooooo happy to hear them. It's incredible how much I've forgetten who I used to be, a happy, driven person. I need to get that back!! How do I get it back? I wish I knew the answer. I guess being in a bad situation has broken me so much, struggling with money, moving around, carrying the weight of two adults, I had to grow up quickly and become the responsible one.
I haven't seen my parents in 3 years an few months. I can't beleive how much time has gone by:( I cannot wait till I fly down and see them.

So we are moved in. I really like my place. I haven't gotten used to the fact that I have no pets and that I don't have to be shutting doors behinds me, but I sure don't mind it :)
I've been watching movies, trying to relax.
I saw F. yesterday, weird.

I'm still at work and I have so much to do! I have to go pay my car, pick up the key to the new place, help Annie pick up her stuff and the list goes on. I have been having a very hard time today. I feel bad for F's. situation, no money, no work, no family here... I can't believe everything thast has happened between us, it's so sad. I would've been there for him all my life but he didn't want me there. He made his choice on who he wanted and there is nothing I can do but that doesn't mean I don't feel horrible for him being in a bad position. I hope he finds a job soon or hopefully he already has one.
I wonder if I'll see him again... I wonder if he thinks about me and misses me... I wonder if he sleeps with her in our bed...
Too much deception. Too much pain.

Just one more day and I move!!
Well, I'm already out of the house since Saturday when shit hit the fan at my house. It's not worth repeating everthing that happened, all I'll say is he admitted to the cheating, I told her off, told her husband what a sorry whore she is and repeated everything F. told me in detail. I figured he should know too. I've been staying at Janey's house since then until tonight. She had been so great to me! I'll never be able to thank her enough. I'm so dissapointed in everything, he treated me like shit, hurt me beyond words, disrespected me, lied to me, was cruel about it too...I'll never forgive him, ever. He could've waited 5 more days until I moved out to bring her into my house. He submitted her to my mouth, I'm not a crazy ghetto bitch that insults people left and right, but damn did she deserve it. So did he..
So it's a new beginning for me, I'm not looking back ever. I feel bad for him and what he is about to go through, without money or a job but people make their choices. I was willing to help him out regardless of everything that had happened, but he made his choice, now she should help him, pay his rent and feed him, give him rides and give him money.

Well...Annie and I are moving out! We have seen a little townhouse in Queen Anne and we love it. We will put in the application today and see what happens. F. is very pist off at me becuase I have been getting home late but I don't know what he expects from me. He wants me to be home crying over him, waiting for him while he goes and hang out with the white trash whore accross the street. Last night he told me he wants a divorce, that he had been waiting for me for hours to have dinner. Can you beleive that? How many times did I stay up waiting up for him, with dinner ready, hearting him laugh acrross the street. How many times did he come in at 6am? I just can't believe he wants to blame me for everything. It is so sad... It'll soon be over though, and I hope we don't hate each other. I wish him well, he's coming accross some money soon and I hope he uses it wisely. I told him I don't want any of it becuase what I wanted from him was for free and he could'nt give it to me.

Things are hanging from a string. It's now a matter of time until it all falls down. I've tried to make him realize, that it's about to break apart but he seems not to care, and he lies, and he contines to lie... therefore I continue to be mad. It has become a never ending cycle of destruction. I don't want to see this end, I wish there was something I could do... I know I sound desperate and pathetic but I love him so much. :(

Now Friday is here once again, and once again I have no one to be with. He'll spend his time where he always does, or at home not speaking to me.

wasaaaa! Yesterday I was able to get my much needed rest and do a little thinking, also was able to sit back, watch as it all went down. Karma is a bitch! I looked around and everybody was so unhappy, God knows what happened Monday night, but whatever it was, it wasn't good. I'm not saying I like to see people unhappy, it's just crazy how it goes: when you do something wrong, you pay for it and there is no way around that. I just hope that he realizes that in order to be with me he needed to chop the problem's head. He told me he took care of it. He tells me he wants to be with me and that I'm the only one that owns his heart. He tells me to give him some credit, that he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole and that if he was to ever be with someone else, that it would definelty not be her (gross!)
I want to believe him so badly...
Like I've been saying, we'll see :)
I spoke to my brother J. yesterday, it was his B-day. He is about to finish college and I'm so proud of him , and also B., my other brother, he's also almost done with school. I am very lucky to have the family I have and to have had such a wonderful childhood and adolesence. I hope that the years to come are good too. Right now I feel that my life is on pause, stagnant.

Yesterday we headed out to Portland (The Rose Garden) to catch the Dave Mathews Band concert. It was awesome!! I was able to bring Annie along and we had a lot of fun. The group was about 12 people and we had a private suite right in front of the stage. All in all a good show, never like last year at the Gorge, but it was nice.
I got home around 2:30am and he was awake cleaning up. Yesterday was the day that he was supposed to take care of everything and he said he did, but he didn't want to give me details. We kinda got into a fight but to be honest I had no energy to deal with it so I went to the couch to sleep. He woke me up about an hour later and took me to bed. I know I have to be understanding and patient, and I know that the next few days are not gonna be easy but in the long run, I'm hoping it's for the best. I never thought we would be in this situation... He told me I won, and was I happy (all bitter-like) and as he was saying that I was thinking to myself: God! I didn't know this was a competition. I can't wait til their names aren't mentioned in my house anymore.
We'll see what happens. He wants to move to Virginia soon and and restart our lives, I have told him the running away from problems doesn't solve them, it just covers them temporarily.

I cant wait til Monday! DMB in Portland, it's gonna be awesome.
I really need to make a decision on my life soon. Should I stay in Seattle or should I go? He
definitely doesn't love me and like I told him last night, he's only passing time.
I wonder what will happen after we separate, will he stay here? Will I stay here? So many questions...
Anyways...we'll see.
I need to stop dwelling on this and take action once and for all. Need to stop giving love if I'm not getting any in return and stop believing when I'm being lied to and I know it.

My sister is having a baby tomorrow!! I'm so excited :) She just called me from the hospital and they are inducing birth tomorrow. This will be her third birth and she doesn't seem nervous. How amazing. I wonder if i'll ever go through that experience... I hope so. I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

Love gone bad

I gave you way too many chances
And you still came back for more
To hurt me even worse
Than you ever did before

I knew you weren’t the same,
But I still believed in you
I ignored how much you changed
And continued loving you

But a light came sparkling through
Sent from high above
I found out you had another
And were playing with my love

Tears came crashing strong
With a pain I never knew
How could I had been so blind
While you played me for a fool?

You said too many times
I was your one and only love
And you were willing to do anything
To gain all that we lost

But all along you were with her
And kept me on the side
While you gave your world to her
You gave me tears each time

You were never man enough
To let me go for good
And you thought your game of lies
Would never catch with you

But here I am today
Giving myself a fresh, new start
And to tell you that you lost
The day you broke my heart

I remember when I met him how uneasy he made me feel, how he undressed me with his eyes... I should've known then that this would not be an easy ride, and it hasn't been. Years of waiting, hoping, breaking each others hearts, wrong timing, inmaturity, passion, love, the fantasy of what if... I've never loved anyone like I've loved him. He doesn't feel the same way though. For him, it has been a different type of love, one that he can live without. I feel so used, I've let myself be used. I used to be so proud, now I have no backbone. I just read a letter that said that his behavior is due to what he is lacking at home... I tried to give him everything! Maybe that has been my mistake. He takes me for granted and it's all my fault. What happened to my backbone? It's gone when it comes to him and this problem. Of course he acts the way he acts! I let him get away with everything. They say in life you should not have any regrets... well I do. I regret the fact that I was too available, said sorry one too many times when it wasn't necessary. Now I'm really sorry.
I don't want to be with out him though...

Yesterday was hell. I can't seem to have any say in anything when it comes to getting some response. He promised me and he hasn't come through. Am I just being naive? Should I believe everyone else? Or should I trust him? How horrible to not trust. I never knew what that was...
I guess time will tell and the truth will come out. I told him I met my end of the deal and he hasn't kept his.
Where did I lose the person I used to be and can I rediscover her?
So many questions.
On a differnet note... I just found out I am going to the Dave Mathews concert next Monday in Portland. How cool is that???? I went last year to see them for the first time at the Gorge and it was awesome, I'm sure this concert will be just as much fun.

I'm back from having the weirdest weekend in a long long time. I have too much information and I don't know what the best way to deal with this is. All I wish for is for time to fly by.

Yeah!!!! It worked. Now I have to figure out how to post pictures...

Day 1

As I sit here in front of the empty screen, attempting to create an diary, I think to myself... What do I want to write about? Why am I chosing to do this? Does it matter? Well, I have wanted to do this for a while but never got around to doing it. This will be my first try, hopefully I won't bore you.

My name is Karen and I'm 27 years old. I live in Seattle at sine 2001. I have moved around quite a bit since I was 12 years old. I am originally from Bolivia, lived in Argentina, Miami, L.A., Virignia and now, Seattle. I have a boy in my life, we are married and he's my love. Things are not that great with him right now but I love him very much and have hope that things will get better.

Thats it for today, have a good day, don't let anything bring you down:)