Friday, August 29, 2003

Its Friday and I've been feeling a little bit down today. Two things made me feel better though... First, I noticed that someone had signed my guestbook! Yay!!! Finally hehe... thanks koolchick! and yes, I have moved, thank god.
The next thing was my boss just gave me two little presents just becuase, which was so nice:)

I spoke to my parents two nights ago and I was sooooooo happy to hear them. It's incredible how much I've forgetten who I used to be, a happy, driven person. I need to get that back!! How do I get it back? I wish I knew the answer. I guess being in a bad situation has broken me so much, struggling with money, moving around, carrying the weight of two adults, I had to grow up quickly and become the responsible one.
I haven't seen my parents in 3 years an few months. I can't beleive how much time has gone by:( I cannot wait till I fly down and see them.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

So we are moved in. I really like my place. I haven't gotten used to the fact that I have no pets and that I don't have to be shutting doors behinds me, but I sure don't mind it :)
I've been watching movies, trying to relax.
I saw F. yesterday, weird.

Friday, August 22, 2003

I'm still at work and I have so much to do! I have to go pay my car, pick up the key to the new place, help Annie pick up her stuff and the list goes on. I have been having a very hard time today. I feel bad for F's. situation, no money, no work, no family here... I can't believe everything thast has happened between us, it's so sad. I would've been there for him all my life but he didn't want me there. He made his choice on who he wanted and there is nothing I can do but that doesn't mean I don't feel horrible for him being in a bad position. I hope he finds a job soon or hopefully he already has one.
I wonder if I'll see him again... I wonder if he thinks about me and misses me... I wonder if he sleeps with her in our bed...
Too much deception. Too much pain.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Just one more day and I move!!
Well, I'm already out of the house since Saturday when shit hit the fan at my house. It's not worth repeating everthing that happened, all I'll say is he admitted to the cheating, I told her off, told her husband what a sorry whore she is and repeated everything F. told me in detail. I figured he should know too. I've been staying at Janey's house since then until tonight. She had been so great to me! I'll never be able to thank her enough. I'm so dissapointed in everything, he treated me like shit, hurt me beyond words, disrespected me, lied to me, was cruel about it too...I'll never forgive him, ever. He could've waited 5 more days until I moved out to bring her into my house. He submitted her to my mouth, I'm not a crazy ghetto bitch that insults people left and right, but damn did she deserve it. So did he..
So it's a new beginning for me, I'm not looking back ever. I feel bad for him and what he is about to go through, without money or a job but people make their choices. I was willing to help him out regardless of everything that had happened, but he made his choice, now she should help him, pay his rent and feed him, give him rides and give him money.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Well...Annie and I are moving out! We have seen a little townhouse in Queen Anne and we love it. We will put in the application today and see what happens. F. is very pist off at me becuase I have been getting home late but I don't know what he expects from me. He wants me to be home crying over him, waiting for him while he goes and hang out with the white trash whore accross the street. Last night he told me he wants a divorce, that he had been waiting for me for hours to have dinner. Can you beleive that? How many times did I stay up waiting up for him, with dinner ready, hearting him laugh acrross the street. How many times did he come in at 6am? I just can't believe he wants to blame me for everything. It is so sad... It'll soon be over though, and I hope we don't hate each other. I wish him well, he's coming accross some money soon and I hope he uses it wisely. I told him I don't want any of it becuase what I wanted from him was for free and he could'nt give it to me.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Things are hanging from a string. It's now a matter of time until it all falls down. I've tried to make him realize, that it's about to break apart but he seems not to care, and he lies, and he contines to lie... therefore I continue to be mad. It has become a never ending cycle of destruction. I don't want to see this end, I wish there was something I could do... I know I sound desperate and pathetic but I love him so much. :(

Now Friday is here once again, and once again I have no one to be with. He'll spend his time where he always does, or at home not speaking to me.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

wasaaaa! Yesterday I was able to get my much needed rest and do a little thinking, also was able to sit back, watch as it all went down. Karma is a bitch! I looked around and everybody was so unhappy, God knows what happened Monday night, but whatever it was, it wasn't good. I'm not saying I like to see people unhappy, it's just crazy how it goes: when you do something wrong, you pay for it and there is no way around that. I just hope that he realizes that in order to be with me he needed to chop the problem's head. He told me he took care of it. He tells me he wants to be with me and that I'm the only one that owns his heart. He tells me to give him some credit, that he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole and that if he was to ever be with someone else, that it would definelty not be her (gross!)
I want to believe him so badly...
Like I've been saying, we'll see :)
I spoke to my brother J. yesterday, it was his B-day. He is about to finish college and I'm so proud of him , and also B., my other brother, he's also almost done with school. I am very lucky to have the family I have and to have had such a wonderful childhood and adolesence. I hope that the years to come are good too. Right now I feel that my life is on pause, stagnant.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Yesterday we headed out to Portland (The Rose Garden) to catch the Dave Mathews Band concert. It was awesome!! I was able to bring Annie along and we had a lot of fun. The group was about 12 people and we had a private suite right in front of the stage. All in all a good show, never like last year at the Gorge, but it was nice.
I got home around 2:30am and he was awake cleaning up. Yesterday was the day that he was supposed to take care of everything and he said he did, but he didn't want to give me details. We kinda got into a fight but to be honest I had no energy to deal with it so I went to the couch to sleep. He woke me up about an hour later and took me to bed. I know I have to be understanding and patient, and I know that the next few days are not gonna be easy but in the long run, I'm hoping it's for the best. I never thought we would be in this situation... He told me I won, and was I happy (all bitter-like) and as he was saying that I was thinking to myself: God! I didn't know this was a competition. I can't wait til their names aren't mentioned in my house anymore.
We'll see what happens. He wants to move to Virginia soon and and restart our lives, I have told him the running away from problems doesn't solve them, it just covers them temporarily.

Friday, August 01, 2003

I cant wait til Monday! DMB in Portland, it's gonna be awesome.
I really need to make a decision on my life soon. Should I stay in Seattle or should I go? He
definitely doesn't love me and like I told him last night, he's only passing time.
I wonder what will happen after we separate, will he stay here? Will I stay here? So many questions...
Anyways...we'll see.
I need to stop dwelling on this and take action once and for all. Need to stop giving love if I'm not getting any in return and stop believing when I'm being lied to and I know it.