Friday, July 30, 2004

There used to be a very pathetic post here. After some thought, and after opening my page and getting mad at it every time, I decided to erase it. So there.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Worst day ever

Out of life's school of war:
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Twilight of the Idols (1899)

When I was 21 years old I was going to school in Bolivia. I had chosen my career very carefully and I was happy about my selection. I was doing good, my grades were actually excellent. I was very lucky to have the classmates I had, we built a strong bond that still ties us today even though most of us are spread in different parts of the world. I had a carefree effortless life, until that Saturday came. I had let my brother J. use my car and he had dropped me off at the University (I had a film class on Saturdays). When I came out to wait for him I was very surprised he wasn’t there so immediately I got worried and called home. My sister picked up the phone and gave me the news. My blood went cold, my head started spinning, the noise in the street all of a sudden disappeared and in replacement all I could hear was my little sister’s scared, grave, adult-like voice giving me the news we had feared for 10 years. I hung up and started walking. I knew where my mom was and I knew I had to get there before she got on that plane. I took a cab to the airport and waited. I guess I had gotten there very quickly because nobody in my family was there yet. I remember having this need to talk to somebody and I called my friend Anabel. She told me to calm down, that everything was going to be all right and if I wanted her to come meet me. I said no, and that’s when I saw my mom pull up. She was pale, she had a panic-resigned look in her face. We hardly said two words and she got on the plane. I wished then that I could’ve gone with her but her friend had gotten her the only ticket left, it was a full flight. I went to the counter to buy a ticket for a later time but my grandmother told me to just stay put, that my brothers and sister needed me. God, I wish I could’ve gone…my poor mother. I went home and was so restless, my brothers were laying in my bed quietly, nobody was saying a word that day. The day progressed with us waiting by the phone to get news but nothing came until later on. I decided I need to go so I got in my car and went for a ride. I ended up at Anabel’s house where we sat smoked cigarettes, I talked and she listened.
I had made plans a few weeks earlier to get together with two of my professors that were going to help me with a project I had to present for a final grade in school. The only day they had available was that day, if not I wasn’t going to be able to present my project. Milton, my friend was supposed to come over as well. Milton and I went to pick my professors up from downtown. When we were heading to my house, I stopped at a red light and since I had my eyes full of tears, I thought that maybe, it was a good idea to let everyone in the car know what was happening to my family that day, and that all I wanted was to drop everyone off and head to my house and not deal with anything. I was sure they would understand. I just couldn’t do it that day. As soon as I start telling them, an asshole comes from behind in his big SUV and crashed me really, really hard. The entire back of my car was destroyed, I busted out in tears because I couldn’t believe the magnitude of my day. I cried and I finally let it all out, the entire day’s events came crashing down. Thankfully my professors took care of everything, making sure that the guy that crashed into me wouldn’t leave (he was completely drunk and had fallen asleep behind the wheel) and handled everything for me because I was in shock. I’m normally the type of person that faced with circumstances that require immediate action, don’t panic. That day was different. It was just too much. We ended up at the police station (that’s how things work in my country) and since I requested a D.U.I. for him he requested one for me (I wish I would’ve been drunk, to kick his ass good and proper). He was acting like such a jerk because I had my Florida’s license instead of a Bolivian license, he was practically incoherent but still causing a lot of trouble and driving me insane.
At around 2 in the morning the whole thing was settled. I went home and found my brothers right where I had left them. I felt so terrible (still do) for adding insult to injury, even though it was an accident.
I finally was able to speak to my mom the next day and she gave us more information in what had happened, It was not good.
It’s been 5 years since then and thankfully the nightmare is over.

(I’m sorry I can’t share the details.. it’s just very personal. this post is just for me).

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Don´t it always seem to go
That you don´t know what you got ´til it´s gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
(Counting Crows)

When I was 15 years old, my friend Francine and I decided that we would not do anything for a year. I had finished my school year and has convinced my parents to let me move to Miami to do my high school years, and because the beginning and ending of the school year differ here and there, I had about 8 months of no school. I was also ahead one year so I decided to take the entire year off and start school late in Miami. For some crazy reason my parents let me.

Francine decided to quit school altogether and her parents, since they had a lot of money, let her do whatever she wanted.  Anyways, we had no responsibilities or curfew, plus we were in Buenos Aires, where kids at a young age go out till the wee hours or not come home at all.

We started to go to this club called "Blackout" and we met a big group of guys that were habitués. Mariano, Fernando, Cuca, Sebastian, Hernan, Harty, Leandro, Walter and a few more, which names unfortunately have left my memory. We would go every Friday and Saturday to the matinee and instead of going home at 1am, which was the time it ended, we would go out to the corner bar, have a few gancias and go back to the club at around 3a.m till 7 or 8 am. We got to know most of the people there. I feel in lust with Mariano, he was older than me but cute as can be. Francine hooked up with Fernando. Every weekend, we would meet up with them at the club, go upstairs to "los reservados" and make out. It was so much fun! The Dj’s name was Felix and he would play the songs that we requested, he even made a tape with all of my favorite songs for me. We danced and smoked cigarettes and drank vodka. At the end of the night, we would dance to the slow songs, ,kicking  away the bottles left on the floor. When the morning came, we would go have facturas for breakfast or walk a few blocks to the churros factory. Then we would walk about 30 blocks to Francine’s house or my house, dissect the night and fall asleep till 5 or 6pm. Wake up--- rinse and repeat.

We did this for almost a year. During the week we would get together with all of the guys and hang out in Gaona y Carranza y Jonte y Avellaneda.

One day, without notice or warning, Blackout closed down and it was a sad, sad day. We started going to other places, we had fun but never like the Blackout days. Two years later, I went back to Argentina and Francine and I took a walk past our old stomping grounds and we carved our names into the metal boards that covered what used to be our home away from home.

Monday, July 26, 2004

First Time

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to...
(Madonna- Erotica)

Les contare de la primera vez que hice el amor. Era el 22 de Julio de 1994, dia de mi cumpleaños numero 18. S. y yo nos conocemos desde que somos chicos pero como el era mayor que yo, nunca lo vi de esa manera. Es mas, habiamos dormido en la misma cama muchismas veces ya que el es mi "primo". Ya! No se asusten! No es mi primo de verdad, solamente de nombre porque mis padres y sus padres son amigos desde la infancia tambien . Estabamos en Miami, pleno verano, Francine me habia venido a visitar de Buenos Aires y termino quedandose por 6 meses. Yo le presente a Ray y ellos se pusieron de novios inmediatamente. Estabamos S., Ray, Francine y yo mirando un partido de football en el departamentito de Ray en Coral Gables. A medio tiempo del partido Francine y Ray se fueron a la habitacion. Yo estaba tomando agua de cuando de pronto me meto un hielo a la boca y S. se da la vuelta para preguntarme algo. Yo le digo con la boca llena "hieeeooo eeeeberaaaaa" (traduccion: "hielo, espera") agarra y me dice "espera que te ayudo" y se viene encima mio y me da un beso de aquellos. Yo quede helada… Me tomo tan de sorpresa que no supe que decir. Pero como he dicho anteriormente aca, yo era una pendeja de lo mas perra (en el mejor sentido de la palabra…). Me empezo a besar y besar y besar y yo agarre viaje.
Yo tenia que irme a mi casa pero termine quedandome hasta como las cinco de la mañana. Pero esperen, falta lo mas importante. Abrimos en sofa cama y nos pusimos a ver una pelicula. Estabamos acostados, yo en shorts y sosten y el completamente desnudo. Empezamos a jugar y a tocarnos, me hacia gozar tan rico…Despues de largo rato se acosto encima mio, me abrio de piernas, me beso y me hizo el amor. Lo hicimos tantas veces esa noche que quede deshecha, a las cinco de la manana nos bañamos y me llevo a mi casa.
Como mis padres le tenian confianza, no me castigaron cuando llegue (estaban despiertos esperandome!) Entro conmigo, desayunamos todos juntos dandonos miradas complices y furtivas, una que otra mano por debajo de la mesa J Por una u otra circunstancia, el termino mudanse a mi casa (keep in mind that he is my cousin supposedly). Continuamos haciendolo donde sea, mis padres se iban los fines de semana a Mexico o a Buenos Aires y yo quedaba sola en casa a cuidado de el. Si supieran cuanto me cuidaba…
Sorry Mom and Dad. I was a very bad girl ;o)


And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
(Mad World- Gary Jules)

I can still remember dreams I’ve had a child and normally my dreams are very vivid, colorful and sometimes full of senses. I like to think of my dream state as my alternative life, a suspended place and space where I get to experience things that expose me to situations I wish would happen or are afraid of, re-unite me with people and places from my past. My wish for all of you is to remember your dreams and when you wake up from them, take a few seconds to re-live them.

Date With Myself

Yesterday I decided that I would spend they day enjoying the company of me. I had lunch at the Pozzi’s, hung out for a little bit and then decided to take off. I went to the mall, bought myself three sweaters and then browsed around to see what was new. I then headed to Ballard to catch a movie at The Majestic, my favorite movie theater but they were having a street fair and I couldn’t find parking so I headed downtown. I parked my car and walked to the first theater that I knew of and they weren’t showing any good movies so I walked to the other one, a few blocks away. Nothing there either. I was going to head to the University district but figured, what the hell, I’m already here, might as well watch on eof the ones that are being shown here. I got myself a big cup of coffee and decided to walk back to the first theater and bought my ticket to watch "The Notebook". Let me add that I had NEVER been to the movies by myself, but from now on, I will do it more often. The movie was so romantic, so beautiful. It had a "love can last a lifetime" feel to it.
I went home, it was empty and quiet and perfect. I changes into my PJs and smoked a cigarette in the dark while thinking about my life and how I ended up where I’m at right now. I thought and though some more and then, with a smile on face, I told myself "you are where you should be right now".

Sunday, July 25, 2004

A Little Background

In 1998, I had moved from Argentina back to Bolivia after 12 years of not being in my country except for two visits to my grandparents. I got there in the middle of Carnaval, on the first day of the actual event. Man, I alomst got mad at my parents for having "deprived" me of such fun times. My brothers and sister had already been back for a few months. I stayed in Buenos Aires becaues I was still working and mainly, becuase of Charly, my exboyfriend of three years. I broke up with him and quit my job (details on those two things will be a few posts long) and decided to move back home.
The first night that I arrived in Cochabamba, my brother Jorge and his friends took me out to a party. I saw so many people who I had grown up with, went to school with, old neighbors, it was insane! We ended up going to a club a dancing the entire night. The whole weekend was amazing. I wasn't sure if I was gonna stay in Bolivia for long or head back to Buenos Aires to get back with my boyfriend or what. Now that I think about it, I was only 19 years old and didn't know a damn thing about being on my own. Charly was 30 years old and wanted to get married and start a family. I know now, that it would've been a distaster. Instead, I stayed in Bolivia, signed up for college and got myself a part time job at my elementary school as a pre-kinder teacher assistant. I lived in Bolivia since I was born until I was 12 (interim of moving between Argentina,Miami, Los Angeles and then back to Argentina for 4 years) and then back on Bolivia for 3 years. Then I got married at 23 to the boy that was my boyfriend when I lived in Miami. He came to visit me to and we got married. We then moved to Virginia, then to Miami, then back to Virginia, then finally to Seattle. Whew... that was long. I will elaborate on my stays in all these places.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Ode to Marianita

My little sister Mariana is something else.  I love her so much. It's her birthday today and she is in my thoughts. I wish I could be with her today and tell her how awesome she is, how pretty and smart and wonderful I think she is.  She's studying to become a lawyer and I know that she will exceed any expectations as she tends to do.
when she was little, I remember walking her to school, she was so tiny... the winters in Argentina were bitter and very windy. She was so little that I -honest to God- had to hold her hand super hard because she wouldn't be able to advance from the wind.  I remember her laying in bed with me and imitating a talk show host , Laura en America, and having laughing attacks, as well as fart competitions! Ha!! Too funny. She's awesome and I simply adore her.

Friday, July 23, 2004


I wrote a post about how pist off and aggravated I feel right now but I decided to erase it because after I was done, I realized I didn't have one good reason to feel the way I was feeling. It was just me being a brat.  It's about 90 degrees right now, which is very unusual for Seattle and maybe it was just the heat making me grouchy.  I think it might be that, or the fact that I'm missing him like crazy and I wish I could hold him right now, and kiss him and tell him "let's just forget about everything and start over" but I know that it's not going to happen and that it is completely over between us.  I had a dream that he was hugging me and we were so close, and it felt so right.  I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about him and I wonder if one day, maybe, we can reach out and rediscover each other.  I know it's not right, he hurt me so much... but for some reason I still love him. He's still my monkey.


I had a really nice birthday yesterday. I went home early and when I walked in, there were a lot of balloons and Annie’s gift to me in the living room. She gave me my favorite perfume (Amarige). A little while after, Joel arrived bringing me all kinds of awesome stuff. He gave me canvasaes to paint ( I had told him I wanted to start painting), an esol and acrylic paints and brushes. They also gave me a very cute card. Oh, and I can’t forget… They bought tickets for us to see The Cure at The Gorge Amphitheater in August!! How cool are my friends? Scott arrived a little later bringing me a very nice bottle of Vodka and cranberry juice. We showered and got ready and headed out to dinner.

They decided thay wanted to take me to Daniel’s Broiler. We had the best steaks EVER! Oh my god, I cannot even describe the food there, i'll just sday that each steak was almost 40 dollars and the whole dinner ended up being almost $300 dollars ( the only reason I mention this, even though I hate talking about how much things cost, is becuase my friends are way too cool).

 We also had drinks and Joel asked the piano man to sing "Spanish Eyes" for me, which he twisted it for "Bolivian Eyes". It was so sweet. We dropped Scott off at home and the three of us remaining went to my house were we decided to listen to music, draw with pastels and talk for a while. I’m so happy that they did all of that for me. It was very sweet and thoughtful of all of them.

Annie’s mom gets here today to stay for two weeks with us. It’ll be fun to have her. Oh, I was forgetting… when I got home, I went to my room and Karen and the girls had left me an autographed book with some drawings that the girls had made for me. They are now being displayed in my fridge. They are beautiful! I cannot wait till this weekend, when I can start messing around with my canvases. Thanks guys! I love you too. :)

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Happy Birthday to me

El día que tu naciste
Nacieron todas las flores
Y en la pila del bautizo cantaron los ruiseñores
Ya viene amaneciendo
Ya la luz del dia nos dió
Levantate de mañana
Mira que ya amaneció

(Las Mañanitas)

Today I turn 28 years old. I really has taken me by surprise. It’s not that I feel old, I just feel like time has passed by too fast. I can still remember being in Miami blowing 18 candles and thinking 30 was a far far thing in the future. But now, here I am, 10 years later wondering where is the girl I used to be.

Last year’s birthday sucked ass so bad, I spent it in bed crying all afternoon long because Francis had forgotten it completely and didn’t even pick me up at work, I had to walk for a long time to get home and when I finally did, as I walked in he picked a fight and was being a total jerk . As I was driving in to work this morning I thought to myself "why on earth would I still think or miss a guy like that, big mystery. Anyways, I’m feeling a little sensitive today, missing my family and wishing I was with them.
I hope my day improves.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Fahrenheit 9/11 and other things

I went to the movies last night to watch Fahrenheit 9/11 by Michael Moore. Excellent documentary with lots of information about, to my opinion, very well organized. I sat for almost three hours in awe and amazement. I’m not gonna sit here and go into my opinions about certain aspects of the movie, but I will say is that YOU should go see it.

This weekend will be a quiet one, I think. I don’t have any plans and will probably try to stay indoors watching movies or reading. I have been spending way too much money lately, so movies and books it is. Can’t wait!!

So, sometimes I go to bed after taking a shower late at night and every time I do that, I can’t wake up in the mornings. I think it might relax me too much. Ok, I’m blabbing. I’ll go for now.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004


If you demand the truth I will lie
If you request my presence I will turn around immediately
If you are sinking I will push you further
I will let you die

But if you untangle me just one more time
Then I will convulse in truth
and I will stay a while
I will reach out and never let you go
If you just say you love me one more time

It’s never easy
There is an abyss in love time
Where we wander like ghosts
You and I dressed in white

Live with me in that undiscovered space
Never let me go outside your life
Haunt me, chase me, shelter me
Come and stay for a while

Independence Day

Words will not do my weekend justice but I will attempt to tell you all about it.

Day 1: We left Seattle Friday night at around 7pm. Headed to Ocean Shores, WA. (Scott, Joel, Annie and I). We stopped for dinner at at BBQ place where we ate really good food and then continued our trip. We arrived at Scott’s parents at around 11pm and stopped in for a few to say hi and blow some fireworks with the two little boys that his mom takes care of. Then we headed to the outskirts of the town to Scott’s sister’s house and set camp in their yard. After we were done, we headed into town to buy some beer. We were all really tired, so we went to sleep.

Day 2: We woke up relatively early with Annie screaming and yelling that she needed to pee and that she didn’t want to go into Scott sister’s house. We all got up and went in to say hi and take showers. We headed into town, directly to the town’s picnic where we enjoyed massive amounts of food and sun. Scott’s mom had cooked a lot of food and we sat there talking and taking pictures. I was amazed at how wonderful Scott is with children. He will be a very good dad someday. At around 2pm we headed to the port to catch the ferry into Westport. Rinky dinky beach town which has a few shops and restaurants but a very cool natural aquarium. We spent some time there looking at the starfish and sea cucumbers. Annie and I separated from the guys to go get some ice cream while they went searching for a bar. We ended up losing them and finally after a while found them sitting in a bench, Joel: beer in hand. Scott: mad as hell. Scott and I headed back to the Ferry while they stayed behind. I had a talk with Scott about him expecting people to jump at his beckon call. The trip back was nice, we saw some baby seals and a very cute All-American boy in a tank top. We got into town in very good spirits, so we decided to hit the local bars! Scott taught me how to play chess and I beat his ass, then we went to another bar where we had more drinks, the third bar was at the Polynesian Hotel where we had lots of appetizers, great conversation
and lots of drinks. We were pretty wasted so we went back to the tents and slept like babies.

Day 3: 4th of July!! We woke up and went to breakfast with Scott’s sister. It was actually lunch because try getting 4 hungover people out of the house in time (plus Scott’s sister). We had a really good lunch (we ate so much food throughout the whole trip!) and then headed to the movies. We watched Spiderman 2, where Scott shed a few tears, hehehe. After the movie, we went to the arcade and engaged in a dumb water bumping cars race. We did get awesome pictures of it. Oh, I was forgetting, we went to the casino and gambled for a while before all of this. Afterwards, we dropped off Scott’s sister at home, got ready and headed to the hotel where Scott’s parents were staying for the week. The room they had was right on the beach with an excellent view of the fireworks. I cannot even begin to explain how many people were out there lighting up fireworks. The beach at Ocean Shores is one of the only ones in the world where it is still allowed to drive on the beach, so it was crazy to say the least. We ate dinner with them and had some drinks. We waited until the sun came down and we walked down to the beach and joined the craziness. We had a really good time even though it was very dangerous since it was a bunch of rednecks in big ole trucks haphazardly lighting up rockets. Scott fell in a hole and it was damn hilarious. We made it out of the beach safe but a pretty drunk. We walked a few miles back to the car and then went on a ride. It was pretty late abut I can honestly say it was one of my funnest moments of the entire trip. Scott tried to hug a deer, we were being followed by a white junky car and I was singing of the top of my lungs. We went back to the house and pulled out the tequila bottle and did some shots. We had so much fun. We lost Scott somewhere along the way. We found him passed out in the tent, snoring like a bear passed out. We have footage of that, thanks to Joel and his camcorder. We all went to sleep Joel and Annie in their tent and Scott and I in ours. In the middle of the night I heard Scott trying to get out and he was really having a hard time since he was pretty wasted. Well, to make a long story short, he ended up getting confused and sleeping in the other tent thinking he was in my tent. It was very funny. You had to be there!

Day 4: We woke up and lounged for hours. We went to lunch and them said good-bye to the family. We headed back to Seattle and got stuck in traffic but it was a fun ride back.

All in all, I had a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, July 01, 2004


I ran into Karl yesterday. He looked so thin and different.It was weird seeing him. As always, he was in some sort of mission becuase someone had broken intohis partment and stolen a bunch of his stuff. I ran into him on 4th and Cherry and we walked together a few blocks down. I'm happy Annie is no longer with him, he's still the same loser.

Last night I asked Joel to let me borrow his VCR so that we can watch some old home videos that Annie had of us in Miami. They were hilarious! I saw myslef at 16 years old and it was crazy.

Anyways, I’m counting the hours till the weekend, it’ll be fun. Yesterday Scott wrote me an e-mail asking me to please make sure Annie and Joel are in bed at a decent time on Friday because we are heading out Saturday at around 10am and. He thinks I’m responsible, how confused he is…

Talking about Scott, I just love that boy. He’s so fucking funny, smart, nice and interesting. It’s too bad I’m never marrying again because if not, I’d ask him to marry me (jk)