"Un Mal Sueno"
(M.A.)

Que me esta pasando
que me pesa el aire
que estoy respirando
y se me acaba el dia
sin yo comenzarlo
y me sobran horas
y me falta tanto
para irme llenando
el vacio adentro
que tu me has dejado
lento va quemando

Todo ha sido en vano
todo ha sido falso
esto es un mal sueno
eso es un engano
que tu llamas amor

pero el amor es blanco
y tu me lo has manchado
es un nino ingenuo
que tu has maltratado
es confiado y libre
ya ahora vive en prision
el amor es todo
y tu lo has vuelto nada
es calor de un beso
no una fria cama
es una pareja
convertida en uno
y tu y yo somos dos

ya logre borrarme
la ultima caricia
ya no siento pena
ya no tengo risa
ando por las calle
como programado
tengo fria el alma
estoy desorientado
ese sentimiento
que nos consumia
lo has contaminado

Its Friday finally! I had a really long week but all in all a good one. I went shopping on Wednesday and Thursday and ended up buying stuff for my sister which I have to mail to her, a few things for my room and lotions and creams for myself:)
I finally finished painting my room last night, after 5 coats, it finally looks the way I want it, so now, after work, I'll go home and put all my stuff where it belongs. It's red and beautiful!! Really excited about not sleeping in the living room anymore.
I also had to run a whole bunch of errands yesterday, paperwork mostly, getting ready to file for divorce and getting a new passport because I seem to have "misplaced" my old one. I'm really happy to inform that all went well and soon, very soon, I'll file for divorce.
I wonder what I'll get Annie for her birthday.... hmmm

Grace Is Gone
(DMB)

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight,
It's 2 AM, I'm drunk again,
It's heavy on my mind, It's heavy on my mind.

I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.

Take my heart, take my eyes,
Cause I'll need them no more.
If never again they'll fall upon,
The one I so adore.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on.

One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Would you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on.
One more drink and I'll move on.

You think of things impossible,
Then the sun refuse to shine.
I woke with you beside me,
Your cold hand lay in mine.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll go...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I don't need to think.
broke my heart, my grace is gone.
Another drink and I'll move on,
One more drink and I'll move on.
One more drink my grace is gone.

To: YOU

I'll never forgive you.

From: ME

I miss my family terribly. I remember having a conversation with a friend long a ago, someone I cared about very much, and coming to the conclusion that the answer to happiness lies in omnipresence. If only I could be here and there at the same time! I long to give them a hug and to just be there with them. I cannot wait till my mom and I have a conversation in the kitchen and I go with her on Saturdays to "la feria", cannot wait till we all lay in bed being lazy and watching TV all morning.
I love my brothers and sisters, mom and dad more than anything in this world and I rather something happen to me before something ever happens to them.

I have an appointment next Wednesday to go pay the fee so taxes can be sumbitted from last year. We had left that pending (like every other thing that wasn't taken care of when it should've). I'm praying that all the papers were signed in order to just copy and mail them.
I cannot wait till this is all over and I don't have to deal with bullshit on top of everything.

Dedicated to my friend Pablito who was there for me many endless nights in the past, sitting in my car, bottles of rum, crying for the ones we loved, looking at the moon, just being un buen amigo. Te recuerdo con cariño....

SIN TU LATIDO
(Letra y música:L.E. Aute)

Hay algunos que dicen
que todos los caminos conducen a Roma;
y es verdad, porque el mío
me lleva cada noche al hueco que te
nombra
y le hablo y le suelto
una sonrisa, una blasfemia y dos derrotas;
luego apago tus ojos
y duermo con tu nombre besando mi boca.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Que el final de esta historia,
enesima autobiografía de un fracaso,
no te sirva de ejemplo,
hay quien afirma que el amor es un milagro
que no hay mal que no cure
pero tampoco bien que le dure cien anios;
eso casi lo salva,
lo malo son las noches que mojan mi mano.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Aunque todo ya es nada,
no se por qué te escondes y huyes de mi
encuentro.
Por saber de tu vida
no creo que vulnere ningun mandamiento;
tan terrible es el odio
que ni te atreves a mostrarme tu desprecio,
pero no me hagas caso,
lo que me pasa es que este mundo no lo
entiendo.

Ay, amor mio,
que terriblemente absurdo
es estar vivo
sin el alma de tu cuerpo,
sin tu latido.

Memories of my past in Bolivia, Guitarreadas con mis amigos...

Ojala

Ojala que las hojas no te toque el cuerpo cuando caigan
para que no las puedas convertir en cristal.
Ojala que la lluvia deje de ser milagro que baja por tu cuerpo.
Ojala que la luna pueda salir sin ti.
Ojala que la tierra no te bese los pasos.

Ojala se te acabé la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojala pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojala por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojala que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojala que la aurora no dé gritos que caigan en mi espalda.
Ojala que tu nombre se le olvide a esa voz.
Ojala las paredes no retengan tu ruido de camino cansado.
Ojala que el deseo se vaya tras de ti,
a tu viejo gobierno de difuntos y flores.

(Luis Eduardo Aute)

When someone hurts me, I don't think about revenge. I don't regret anything I have done or am doing because I know I've been good. I have suffered deception, have been deceived and I am very disappointed, that is clear.
Then I ask myself: What have I done wrong? I must've done something wrong, that is for sure...Or not...

Let's see: Have I acted according to my moral scale? Have I asked myself at any moment during my relationship with him if this or that might hurt him? Have I stopped to think if the decisions I've made have been given thought out or not? And the answer to all this is YES. Not in an obsessive or organized way, but confronted with important issues I do weigh out the pros and cons, at least for a day or two.
Not only do I think about me and what concerns me but also about the impact on the other person involved.
Then I come to realize that to him I have been nothing but entertainment, an object easily exchangeable. Something that sooner or later is just a stepping stone to the next episode. He didn't stop and think... he acted out of impulse, convenience... Convincing himself that destiny is nothing but what comes and hits him in the face. I don't believe for a second that he stopped and thought about how much he was hurting me. He would apologize like reciting a well learned speech...because that is what feels right, because that is what he thought would get him out of the dog house... because that is what he thought as politically correct.
But not for once, because he meant it. You can make a mistake and regret it, but if you keep on making it over and over then it is no longer a mistake...it is almost a pre-meditated slow and painful killing of the heart.

My first reaction over things now is shock, regardless of how many times I hear things I'm never prepared for the next blow. Immediately after that a numbing nauseating feeling in the bottom of my stomach starts to arise. They say the postman rings twice...and then not happy with have broken the chain (was it a really a chain?) trying to pretend that it isn't really the way he acted but just the circumstances (very archaic like the beast he is). He would, in a very pathetic attempt, clear his conscience, offered his half assed contradictory apologies that did nothing but worsen the situation. He broke my schemes, broke my peace, that one I had even if it was for just one night of restful, nightmareless sleep.
I wake up every morning and little by little realize that it's not too bad to lose a person that has no word.
I can take a low blow or two, some come in as easy as if hitting clay but you know what,some bounce against the unstable little mud barrier that I have been working hard at creating and is drying and getting harder every day.

And then he comes again tipping over my schemes and I feel like responding but I know for a fact that no matter what I say, he will perceive the hurt I carry.

I haven't forgotten him, but they say time heals everything. Now, I tighten my jaw and I contain myself so that I don't respond to the provocations of knowing him by her side.

So last night Karl showed up at our doorstep.... I didn't know if I should wake Annie up or just go out and tell him to go away. I decided to wake her up and she let him in. They were up talking most of the night so I didn't get a chance to talk to her until this morning. I go to find out this morning that he was coming from F.'s. great....
Annie didn't want to tell me if she was living with him already but apparently she is. God knows how those two are living, with the two kids in a one bedroom apartment. Anyways, that, thank God, is not my problem. Karl was pretty wasted last night so go figure...drinking on a Monday..lovely. better her than me dealing with his crap. They are perfect for each other, alcoholics and losers.
I cannot dwell on this shit anymore, he's not worth it. His mom told me yesterday that he had called asking her to give the bitch advise on how to discipline the kids and that she said no way. I had warned him about stepping into murky waters, but instead, he dove in head first. To hell with him. He has been the BIGGEST DISSAPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE.
On other news... I've told Annie that we should pack up and go to New York a few weekends from now like she had suggested earlier last month. I cannot wait. I'll keep you posted on my life.

One of my favorite songs of all times!

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone