Monday, March 01, 2004

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My Ghosts

I wonder what life has in store for me. I know, I know...we all wonder that and I know that if we knew beforehand what we have coming, we would not make any mistakes and things would be so boring and predictable. I just wonder if I’ll be happy, if I’ll have children, if I’ll own a home and who I’ll share it with.

Yesterday I saw an old couple at the grocery store and they were walking hand in hand, they were old and gray but they were there for each other. I don’t know that story behind them and who knows, maybe they hate each other and they were just holding hands for physical support but regardless, they were together and have probably weathered many storms in their lifetime.

Francis would always tell me that he had this feeling inside of him telling him we were meant for one another. He believed that we knew each other from previous lives, an eternity of them, and that in our next life we would somehow find each other again like we have for centuries past. We would talk about us growing old together and I believed him, I wanted to share that with him so bad. I have pictured us sitting side by side 50 years from now, outside our house somewhere down south, tasting the salt in the air and taking it all in.

I know that it is over between us and I’m glad it is. I wouldn’t want to share my life with a person that doesn’t love me back, but I can’t help but feel the void in my life, the emptiness I feel when I think about our future together, the tearing of my heart when I picture my unborn children and when I hear the echoes in my mind as I walk inside our un-lived house.

He has been the only person I have ever allowed myself to make plans with that hardest part to deal with is the hollow feeling that is left inside me...regardless.

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