Recuerdos
Vamos mi carino que todo esta bien
esta noche cambiare, te juro que cambiare
vamos mi carino ya no llores mas
por vos yo bajaria el sol
o me hundiria en el mar

Ayer revise los papeles de divorcio. Anteriormente, cada vez que los agarraba y empezaba a leer me daba una sensacion de que el mundo se me cerraba, que me faltaba aire que no podia con tanto papelerio.
Esta semana, lo extrañe mas que nunca. Pero los papeles.... ya no me marearon.

pensamientos disipados, desordenados, marcados
sale de mi boca cualquier cosa, que importa ya
quisiera poder tocarte una vez mas
mirarte a los ojos y reconocerte
ver quien eras, verte y verme en ellos

(Me)

Heart Troubles
Someone once said that it takes a health scare to re-prioritize...
Well, shit...if this aint it then I don’t know what to say. I have Mitral Valve Prolapse. That is
when one of your heart valves is leaking blood. I ended up in the ER Monday night and spent a good five hours there. Went home all doped up after a few vicodins, some nasty tasting gel they had me swallow and after the horror (to me) of having blood drawn for testing. I went home, has weird dreams while being awake. I slept, roughly 3 hours, woke up the next morning and went to work. The chest pain was still present and I was really tired.
I got home and there was a message from the hospital saying I should call them to go over my blood test results. I have pneumonia. So here I am, sick like I have not been in a while, feeling a little sorry for myself and missing my family like crazy.
I hate this cold weather and I hate genes. Sorry for this lame-ass entry but I am a lame-ass today.

My chest has been hurting a lot lately and now the pain is in my back and my arm as well. I don't know why or how to make it go away, but it has me a little worried. I might take myself to the emergency room tonight.

I spoke to my good friend Delma Lorena -who is living in Spain- Saturday night. She was so sad when she called :( I hope thing start going well for her.

Bleh... I have nothing to say today.

I finished reading Bodacious Succulent Women last night and I highly recommend it to all women that feel repressed but want to live wildly and freely. Camp Sark, if you are hiring, let me know!!!:)
This made me think of my grandmother. She gets to Miami this Saturday to spend some time with my sister and her family. She might be coming up to Seattle to see me, that’s if she’s feeling well since the flight is so long. I would love to have her here and see her, show her around and spend some time with her.
She is a difficult woman, strong headed, passive-aggressive, a little manipulative but I love her. She has suffered a lot in life, gone through 28 major operations, lived to see a son kill himself, visited two sons in jail, one of the latter hates the family so much, he has written crazy manifestos describing family details, published them in the towns newspaper, pointed a loaded gun at my 10 year old cousin and done many other unspeakable things. He is my godfather.
Back to my Mama Sonia... She lived though it all and then some and she still manages to get up in the morning, put a dress on, do her hair, put her make-up on, go shopping, spend time with her foofoo friends, eat a five course meal every day, and raise a teenager (my cousin Briana). She is an example of succulence and womanhood and I hope she lives to be 100.

I have been reading Sark lately and her books bring me joy. They make me believe that there is
hope, that I can be creative, that procrastination is not a permanent thing, that you should believe
in yourself, play with your inner child and think positive.
Her books are not the regular you-can-do-it-feel-good books. They are truly original and just
looking at them makes you feel colorful. I will follow her advise and try to write at least for five minutes every day about anything. I hope I don't bore you. Oh by the way... I 'll be changing the look on my blog again. It's impossible to read with the big ole flower in the middle. It's really annoying so bear with me for a bit until it's gone.
So changing subjects... I have been giving my m.... a lot of thought lately. I have been doing a lot of research and I'm trying to be organized about it and do it the right way this time around. I still haven't made up my mind completely but being informed is the best way to make a decision. I will have to make up my mind soon but for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I want to go home!!

Thanksgiving came and went. We cooked and ate and then watched some T.V..
It was an OK time I guess, not very eventful but all in all, it was fine. I woke up this morning determined to get this computer up and running so now after running around all morning, here I am, at home, chilling out by myself in front of the computer. It s a rainy day, perfect to just stay home, maybe listen to some music, experiment a little with my blog and what I can do now since I'm not doing it at work, and later on tonight, watch a movie or something.
God, what a boring life!!
I may be going to Bolivia for Easter with my sister Veronica and her family. I'm hoping that it happens.

Calling All Angels (Train)

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
‘Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
‘Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don’t talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it’s ours

I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

I went to sleep very early last night, about 9pm. I called my sister Mariana because I had heard she is sick (tonsil problems and low blood sugar) and she told me she's going to need shots for the next 8 months. I hope she gets better and that it doesn't develop into anything worrisome.
After hanging up with her I had a two hour conversation with Chris. It was really nice and I always feel like I can talk to him about anything. He told me about the new house him and Karina bought in VA and how nice it is and all the details of how the went about purchasing it, and all the improvements they are working on to have it as they want it. I'm really happy for him! It's crazy how this world is... who would've thought that we would end up being good friends:)

Ron told me yesterday that F. might suffer from personality disorder. That people like him just havenÂ’t developed psychologically and that they never do. He read me traits of people that suffer from this and they were right on. I asked him if this can be fixed and he said no, that they are incapable of loving the way that other people can, that they feel no empathy, that they arenarcissisticc and self-centered, that they praise themselves all the time even for things they haven't accomplished. They need recognition and are convenient.

This made me very sad.

I’ve been alone a lot. I remember someone wrote me a letter a while ago talking about the difference between being alone and lonely. I’ve been both.

Aprendiendo (Jorge Luis Borges)

Despues de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre sostener una mano y encadenar un alma, y uno aprende que el amor no significa acostarse y una compañia no significa seguridad, y uno empieza a aprender...
Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas, y uno empieza a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos, y uno aprende a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno de mañana es demasiado inseguro para planes...
y los futuros tienen una forma de caerse en la mitad.
Y despues de un tiempo uno aprende que si es demasiado, hasta el calor del sol quema.
Asi que uno planta su propio jardin y decora su propia alma, en lugar de esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.
Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno realmente es fuerte, que uno realmente vale, y uno aprende.
Y aprende...y con cada día...aprende.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser humano, tarde o temprano sufrira las mismas humillaciones o desprecios multiplicados al cuadrado.

Con el tiempo comprendes que solo quien es capaz de amarte con tus defectos, sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad que deseas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estas al lado de esa persona solo por acompañar tu soledad, irremediablemente acabaras no deseando volver a verla.
Con el tiempo entiendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados, y que el que no lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se vera rodeado solo de amistades falsas.
Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en un momento de ira pueden seguir lastimando a quien heriste, durante toda la vida.
Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar lo hace cualquiera, pero perdonar es solo de almas grandes.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona es irrepetible.

Con el tiempo aprendes a construir todos tus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno del mañana es demasiado incierto para hacer planes.
Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas o forzarlas a que pasen ocasionara que al final no sean como esperabas.

Con el tiempo aprendes que todavia queda muhco por aprender

Liza
I came across some poetry by my lovely friend Liza. She's always been sooooo awesome. I hope she doesn't mind me posting this...


by LIZA NEPA

For me,
Farewell means ...you'll live long
Farewell to my unborn son.
Farewell to the words unsung.
Farewell to my hungry son.
Farewell to the years to come.
Farewell to my youth,
So sweet to have tasted its fruit

It hasn't stopped raining for days now. I've been thinking about him.

Annie's dad is dying. I'm so sad for her and her mom. I really don't know what to say...

He called me again yesterday. He told me he was sorry about everything he had done, that it had been a mistake, that he loves me and that he'll do anything to be with me.

We had a really long conversation and I told him that that will never happen. He asked me for one last opportunity and I said no. Not becuase I don't love him, but becuase he betrayed me.

He told me that he's very unhappy and that him and I are a part of each other. That is true, he's a big part of me, of my history, the one and only person I have truly loved, but... how do you forgive and forget? I've always wondered how people do it. How is it that my mom and my sister forgave? I'm not judging here, I just wish I knew how they did it and how do you trust again.
I had a very hard time telling him those things, becuase I know that he now realizes that it was a mistake, that what starts wrong ends wrong. I told him he had cheated and lied to me and that I had given him a million opportunities to step up and be a man about it, to be there for me when I most needed him, to love me the way I loved him and when the time came, he made a choice and that choice wasn't me, it was her. He moved her into my house, into my bed, with my pets, sat in my table with her, I can't forgive that. Maybe in a few years, when I'm not this hurt I might forgive him and we'll be friends, but as much as it hurts to say, and like I told him yesterday.. he realized this a bit too late.

On other news...
I went to see Ron yesterday. He has a beautiful office in downtown Seattle with a confortable couch and he seems really nice. I talked and talked and talked... he listened:)

Today, November 3rd 2003 his conscience knocked on the door and he decided to call and say he was sorry. My heart almost came out of my chest. I talked to him normally, no screaming or yelling or none of that. I did tell him that what he had done, he can't take back and that is where he loses.
I miss him, I still love him but I can never forgive him and I can never see myself living with him again.

"Un Mal Sueno"
(M.A.)

Que me esta pasando
que me pesa el aire
que estoy respirando
y se me acaba el dia
sin yo comenzarlo
y me sobran horas
y me falta tanto
para irme llenando
el vacio adentro
que tu me has dejado
lento va quemando

Todo ha sido en vano
todo ha sido falso
esto es un mal sueno
eso es un engano
que tu llamas amor

pero el amor es blanco
y tu me lo has manchado
es un nino ingenuo
que tu has maltratado
es confiado y libre
ya ahora vive en prision
el amor es todo
y tu lo has vuelto nada
es calor de un beso
no una fria cama
es una pareja
convertida en uno
y tu y yo somos dos

ya logre borrarme
la ultima caricia
ya no siento pena
ya no tengo risa
ando por las calle
como programado
tengo fria el alma
estoy desorientado
ese sentimiento
que nos consumia
lo has contaminado

Its Friday finally! I had a really long week but all in all a good one. I went shopping on Wednesday and Thursday and ended up buying stuff for my sister which I have to mail to her, a few things for my room and lotions and creams for myself:)
I finally finished painting my room last night, after 5 coats, it finally looks the way I want it, so now, after work, I'll go home and put all my stuff where it belongs. It's red and beautiful!! Really excited about not sleeping in the living room anymore.
I also had to run a whole bunch of errands yesterday, paperwork mostly, getting ready to file for divorce and getting a new passport because I seem to have "misplaced" my old one. I'm really happy to inform that all went well and soon, very soon, I'll file for divorce.
I wonder what I'll get Annie for her birthday.... hmmm